why we do the things we do

Maybe it's because I have been stuck in bed with an oh so lovely flu and fever for the last few days, or maybe it is because I over think and overanalyze everything in general.. but yesterday when I made the decision to shut down this blog and morph my photo collection into a tumblr like the rest of the world - I literally lost sleep over it! First of all let me start off by focusing on a very important factor here. It is the beginning and end of all things for me. I am a big believer that you should always go with your gut. In the most difficult of times, you almost always already know what to do - being able to face this and then put the proper decision into action is a whole other story, sometimes. I feel like we are creatures of habit in a lot of ways, but I also firmly believe that changes throughout life are always going to be ongoing and simply inevitable as we grow and evolve into ourselves more and more. We must embrace these changes whole heartedly and take everything we can away from them. We don't have much choice in some cases so may as well pick through the rubble and hoard the positive parts until our dying breath. And even when we do have a choice, and we are in control of the reigns - head and heart can battle it out until the end of days, but your GUT is something entirely different. It is unbiased, it is rational and it just knows.

I feel like this blog is something that I have put work into almost every day for a couple of years now. Obviously I take breaks here and there for vacations and when I just can't find the time or would rather just not, but I almost always make the time. People say to me allllll the time 'I don't know how you have time for it with everything else that you do' - I MAKE TIME! It is not rocket science. I work 4 or 5 shifts, I train a number of private clients on my own time (which is positively rewarding but can be completely exhausting too), I am in and out of the library studying, I am making money and spending money no matter what else is happening, and above all I am always trying to maintain a certain level of sanity by spending enough time alone and then throw in trying to have a bit of a social life and things can get crazy fast.

Back to the blog. Small things about it change all the time, so that it aesthetically pleasing to MY eyes. Even more than I like to choose photos that appeal to me and then construct them together, I myself, like to scroll through and take it all in when the posts are complete. Some weeks I decide that I hate purple and I absolutely almost always loathe pink - other times it flips upside down. But every day no matter what color is making me feel whole or making me cringe; it is extreme, it is passionate, it is the best of the best (in my eyes) and it is truly everything that I love. When I am hunting down my photos I go into some sort of trance which I cannot even describe. I swear it is like I am just sitting there with wide eyes taking it all in and when I see the right thing it just saves itself almost. It is such a familiar process for me and it literally helps me in so many ways. It helps me to express myself in ways that I otherwise could not, it helps me to find creativity and meaning in every day things and abstract things as well, it helps me to hang on, let go, try harder, push more, lay off, chill out, get going, whatever the need may be - it is fulfilled here.

Yesterday I wrote up a dorky RIP farewell and within hours my email flooded with messages - some from friends, other from just blog followers, and some from strangers. Is everything okay? Did something happen? But how will we be able to read your writing on an image heavy site? We like to see the personal side too. But now there won't be post titles. Can you still post music? So of course all of this, with my already hesitant and unsteady hand to click delete, sent my brain into overtime.

I went into my stats and saw that I have had almost 100,000 unique visitors to date and that made me feel happy. People from 146 different countries have stopped by and new ones are popping up all the time. Some come here with the intention of seeing these photos and they get the theme and what it's all about, other people end up here completely by accident and get hooked, some creep silently and others cannot help but to message me and say how moved they are or to never stop posting. I never cease to be amazed at any and all of the above. Whatever the case may be - hello, welcome back and I am not going anywhere.

I will continue to do what I do here and also throw a little attention into my other one -

http://fit-girl-in-the-real-world.tumblr.com

Have been getting really cool and positive feedback on the new fitness blog and it's nice to see that it's catching on already. It has gotten 10,000 hits in less than 2 weeks and that's rad.

As for ALL YOU TOUCH AND ALL YOU SEE, it surprised me that I could feel so attached to just a thing like a website; it is clearly not a person, it doesn't have a soul, it is not a lover or a friend, it is not something I can hold or even something I can touch, it is just a bunch of coding floating around in crazy internet land and it is SO dear to me! I guess in ways it fills holes for me that I would in other ways not know how to plug, it is reassuring because it is always there if I want it to be, it is not something I have to do but something that I choose to do. If I don't do it, there are really no negative consequences other that I can be a bit grumpy. I don't have to pay for it and it doesn't have a due date or a countdown or limit and it will never just disappear one day. It is whatever I want it to be, whenever I want it, if I even want it at all. I really, really value that right now in my life.

The end.